-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the
local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
-Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
-Take my advice — I'm not using it.
-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more talented fool.
-I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting
on your pants.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend
-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself
-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have
to mow it.
-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
-If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
-Money is the root of all wealth.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery