2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, ' the hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!' Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.
6. A chap's wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. The viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8 . I woke up this morning at 9:00 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30.
9 . My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!”.
10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11 . The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" - - The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.
"Don't think of them as problems, think of them as opportunities."
"OK, I think I've hit an insurmountable opportunity!"