and some more by PaulT

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1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, ' ​ the hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?" ​

5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!' ​ Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00. ​

6. ​ A chap's ​ wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. ​ The viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. ​

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8 .​ I woke up this morning at 9:00 ​ , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30. ​

9 ​ . My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!”.

10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

11 ​ . The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" ​ - - The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. ​ The broken arm will take about a month.

"Don't think of them as problems, think of them as opportunities."
"OK, I think I've hit an insurmountable opportunity!"


Posted 29 Nov 2015, 13:55 #1