1 You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.
2 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
3 What's a thousand dollars? Mere chicken feed. A poultry matter.
4 Your eyes shine like the pants of my blue serge suit.
5 Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
A Day at the Races
6 A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five.
7 My husband is dead. - I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. I was with him to the end. - No wonder he passed away. I held him in my arms and kissed him. - So it was murder!
8 Go, and never darken my towels again!
9 Remember, men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
10 There's a man outside with a big black moustache. - Tell him I've got one.
11 You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.
12 You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
13 Look at me: I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
14 I want to register a complaint. Do you know who sneaked into my room at three o'clock this morning?... - Who?... Nobody, and that's my complaint.
15 Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
16 Sir, you have the advantage of me. - Not yet I haven't, but wait till I get you outside.
17 Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.
A Night at the Opera
18 The strains of Verdi will come back to you tonight, and Mrs Claypool's cheque will come back to you in the morning.
A Night at the Opera
19 Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put `Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
A Night in Casablanca
20 I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case.
The Guardian , 18 June 1965
21 I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
22 Time wounds all heels.
23 Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
Resigning from the Friar's Club in Hollywood
24 No, Groucho is not my real name. I'm breaking it in for a friend.
25 Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
26 A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
"Don't think of them as problems, think of them as opportunities."
"OK, I think I've hit an insurmountable opportunity!"